Learning to Date Yourself

I want to talk a little bit about taking a pause on dating. Just for a little context, I am divorced, have had two long term relationships (one live in situationship and one not) and I went through a phase of one-night stands (with protection of course).

I was healing from the last breakup (the live in situationship) when I once again jumped on the dating apps full force. Hoping to find my worth again…in yet another man.

I decided to take a pause on dating once I finally became so sick and tired of being sick and tired. The online dating apps weren’t going well, I ran into a lot of scary messages from various men, I was not only losing hope, but was becoming very insecure, very depressed, unhappy and jaded.

I had been listening to Tony Robbins videos on You Tube regularly when I heard him say something like “do more of what makes you happy and less of what makes you unhappy”. It seems so obvious, doesn’t it? But I had not thought of it that way before! It got me to thinking.

I thought, since I’m going down a dark hole really fast, and since there seemed to be no intelligent life form on the dating apps, maybe I will quit the dating apps and see what else I can do with my time, energy, and life.

Besides, ever since I was like 14 years old, I’ve lived and breathed for male attention as well as twisted myself in knots, jumped through their hoops, and completely annihilated every part of my own self for any kind of male attention, validation, relationships, sex, whatever.  

I was tired of doing that. I was sick and tired of devoting all my time trying to find a man, date a man, please a man, keep a man, make a man happy, and so forth. I was sick and tired of X’ing myself out and ignoring all my own needs, wants, goals, Voice and opinions just to please him and/or anyone else for that matter.

I was sick and tired of spending so much time, hope, emotional and mental energy on trying to make a go at dating and potentially a relationship when all I was getting in return was creepy, scary messages, dick pics, and conversations that revolved around sexual innuendo’s instead of the deep, meaningful, philosophical conversations that I crave for.

Of course, there were the ones who would fire off 50 questions at me nonstop too and come to find out a person does that because they are trying to crack one of your passwords and break into your bank account or card number and charge something to your bank card. I learned this the hard way. Not long after this incident, I read an article explaining how scammers do this to people.

It wasn’t an easy decision though to take a pause on dating. I had been this way my whole life up until this point; it was so ingrained in me, and I know past conditioning, religious dogma laws and expectations, and societal expectations all fed into this ingrained pattern.

 Even though it wasn’t an easy decision, and it scared the hell out of me, I really did want to take a break from dating, delete all the apps, and just sit in my own company, alone, in my cute little apartment and just focus on me for a change.

I wanted to try and figure out what to do and who I was and what I wanted to do with my life without any male in my ear all the time. This is because I have always X’ed myself out for any and everything my partners always wanted.

I realized this was not healthy and realized how unhappy it had been making me. My divorce really blew this vision wide open for me and it would take years down the line to fully embrace it, research it, understand it and then to begin living that way.

It’s been one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself, and probably one of the hardest, too. If you are thinking of taking a pause on dating, too, it is well worth the journey and the discomfort to do so.

You will learn so much about yourself and that knowing is…priceless, because we cannot change our lives until we become aware, conscious, and willing to change our patterns and thoughts.

I have learned a few things you can do that might help you if you are thinking of taking a break from dating:

• Decorate your space however you want to
• Do what you want when you want (want to vacuum at midnight? Take three hours to watch a movie because you’re stopping it to clean, to read a chapter or article, or take a lavender bubble bath? You can do it!)
• date yourself by going out to eat wherever you want to, go see whatever movie you want to at the theater
• making a budget, blowing it, and the recreating another one
• research things you are interested in like certifications to enhance your value in the marketplace
• travel by yourself
• try new things to see what you enjoy and what you don’t enjoy
• try cooking new recipes
• practice listening to your intuition that is trying to guide you
• learning to be alone with yourself even when bored and lonely
• no one around to yell or cuss at you or control you
• listen to whatever music you want to and do karaoke in your living room
• dress how you want to and do your hair and makeup how you want to
• a nice, peaceful break from constant criticism and belittling
• an opportunity to heal your psyche, soul, spirit, and self-worth
• work on our boundaries and codependency issues

These are just a few ideas to get you started. It’s not always easy to go out by ourselves, either. Hell, I’m still trying to get used to it. Some days it’s easier for me to do it than others. It’s not always easy to live by ourselves when we’ve been so codependent on other people for decades.

Yet, it is worth the discomfort and the practice in doing so. It can lead to a lot of insights we haven’t been able to hear before that have whispered to us through all the noise, but when we can be alone in quiet (or semi quiet…I still like a fan running and perhaps a little soft music in the background) and create that safe space for ourselves, some amazing things can happen.

There are many ways to do get quiet. You can sit on the floor like in meditations style, lay on the sofa or bed, wash dishes and doing other chores, or being in a bubble bath or shower. You don’t have to just sit cross legged on a mat on the floor. Do whatever is most comfortable for you to do. Muting the TV or turning it off and leaving your phone in another room can help keep those distractions away for a few minutes while you are with yourself.

Part of my journey is made up of questioning my own patterns that I’ve started to recognize with my alone, safe, quiet time. Such as why is my tolerance so high (unfortunately, unlimited) in allowing a male to cuss me out, belittle me, criticize me to death over any and everything, and be very controlling over me? What is wrong with me as to keep allowing men in my life that treat me that way? That is not to excuse what they do. These have been my past experiences, by the way, but will not be a part of my life going forward. Just wanted to clarify that. :)

It’s just something I want to be more aware of and heal inside of me so that my future ‘picker’ isn’t ‘off’ like it’s been my first 52 years of life. I’ve never had ‘boundaries’ before in my intimate relationships and I’m learning how to have them for now and my future self.

I will probably go into this a little deeper in future articles, as it gets very complicated, but I now have some answers that validate my experience and explain to me why I was trapped in those situations in the first place. I am learning to have more and more compassion for myself each day.

I hope that you begin to enjoy dating yourself, getting to know yourself, and yes, falling in love with yourself! Not in a cocky way, but in a I’m a human being too kind of way and I too am worthy kind of way. Repeat after me: I am worthy, too. I am important, too.

Love,

Sharon