Multiplicity of You
Multiplicity of You
Sometimes we just have to look back on our life and contemplate who we are, who we've been, who we want to be from now on and where we want to go.
Here's a thought experiment for you to do.
Write out a little timeline -as detailed as you want- about who you have been each decade of your life. You will gain many insights into what you see.
Even though you may be tempted to 'hate' or cringe about a certain part of who you used to be, do not let that stop you from writing it on the page your own timeline of who you have been. All of the past 'you's' have brought you here today.
Your future 'you' depends on the thoughts, choices, patterns, beliefs, etc. you decide to create, keep, or get rid of today.
We can choose to do things differently from here on out, now that we are aware.
I swear, learning about awareness has been one of the main gamechangers in my own life and of the lives of my mentors.
I have jotted down some of my past selves here to give you examples of how to do this exercise.
Just a head's up---I go back and forth between calling myself "I" and "her/she".
Childhood and preteen:
Seems as a younger child I remember being playful. I was a tomboy and loved being outside. I climbed around in the barn, would go through the woods, explore the old left behind buildings behind my childhood home, and shooting hoops were things I did often. I also played solo tennis where I would hit the ball up against the side of the house and run after it to hit it so that it would bounce against the house again and come back to me again. I was very shy and timid. Didn't talk much.
I remember chicken noodle soup in a thermos for school lunch and a train ride I took somewhere while in elementary school (don’t remember where). I loved that train ride. I absolutely loved the Book Fairs and the Book Mobile that would come to the school. I would get so excited seeing all of those fresh, shiny, new books laying sprawled out and on top of the tables in the library. With my little money I carefully chose a couple of books within my price range.
I got hooked on Soul Train, too. I loved watching the people dance and I loved the music. I remember having spent the night at a church friend’s house and the next morning while we were waiting for breakfast, an episode of Soul Train flashed by when her parent was flipping through the channels. I got excited and jumped up and said, “let’s watch that one!”
I received a strange and disapproval look from the parent when I said I wanted to watch Soul Train. I felt embarrassed and ashamed suddenly by their critical look and didn’t know why they were looking at me like that. It was just a music show. I now realize how judgy the community in which I was raised was and still is. I am more open minded. Needless to say, I did not get to watch Soul Train.
Middle school: I was very awkward, very shy, very timid, an outcast, a wallflower, dressed funny, was brutally made fun of, didn’t have many friends, was a reject, and had no sign of self-esteem or socializing skills whatsoever. I began to cut myself with pocketknives I’d pick up at the Flea Market and use an eraser to rub the skin off my arms. I sank into depression.
I wanted to be accepted. I wanted someone to pay attention to me. I wanted boys to find me attractive. I did not get any of those things. I was shy, overweight, had zero people, connection, socializing skills, and my clothes were not the best.
I felt so unworthy, unloved, unseen, unheard, and felt like a total burden in the world. I honestly didn't know why I was even alive. I felt fundamentally flawed. No one paid any attention to me. No one asked me how I was feeling or gave me any kind of conversation or support whatsoever.
I had no mental or emotional support. I was on my own, basically. Me, my head, my bedroom, and my inner world; that’s all I had, besides paper, pens, and books. Those were my true friends. I didn’t really exist; I was ignored completely. I began hating myself because everyone else seemed to hate me. That is why I turned to all the harmful stuff that I ended up turning to.
Self harm is a way to relieve some of the pain I was feeling because I didn't know how else to express it. Plus, I wanted to feel something.
I am certainly not bragging about this part, because now I think it's terrifying I did this. I went down a dark path adding some legit devil worship type music made by true devil worshippers along with my hard rock, rap, and top 40 repertoire. I even bought and read the Satanic Bible (stupid I know & creeps me out thinking about it now). Please don't do that!
I began to get into trouble at home and school. My room, my books, writing, paper, pens, and music (cassettes and records) were my friends and what I spent time doing, besides watching TV. That just wasn't enough though. What I longed for was true connection with other humans.
I was still darkly depressed, lost, felt so unloved and unseen. I always wore black. I started smoking, skipping school, having sex with boys, and got into more trouble at school. I would smoke in the school bathroom. I would dress weird and wild. I even ran away from home once. Rebellion and hellion were my middle names.
Then, at 16 years old, I would get married. That’s a stupid thing to do at 16, but that’s what I did. I would fall for any little breadcrumbs of attention that were thrown my way from any guy…whether he was a good guy or not, and which is why I became a child bride. BUT I have my FOUR BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN from that relationship, so I can't completely knock it.
20’s, 30’s: These Sharon’s became redemptive so-to-speak. These Sharon’s were religious nuts and churchy, following in the footsteps of my past conditioning unconciously.
The BEST thing is I also became a mommy. Four times. Four beautiful loves of my life.
Having pregnancies and babies changed my life and gave me reasons to live for.
In the marriage I had to a true narcissist though, I would push all of my needs, wants, expressions down and unconsciously live as childhood conditioning had taught of taking care of the male, having no needs and no Voice, dutifully go to church and the be the ‘little wife’. The doormat. The invisible (there’s a theme here). The Voiceless. The "nice" girl.
I loved, loved my children though with all my heart, stayed at home to be with them and raise them.
I stayed very busy raising four young children. I did not work outside the home.
Tides turned fairly quickly. Home became hell because the marital relationship was hellish. Screaming, fighting, my being cussed out for hours on end, constantly being criticized, blamed, and belittled by the person who was supposed to be my biggest supporter.
I began lashing back. Round and round the crazy went for damn near a decade. It had gotten even worse (if that were possible) when I began sticking up for myself. Then it was WW3. I was scared, angry, resentful, and totally alone in my suffering. I had no adults to turn to for help or comfort.
40’s: Starting to try and express herself more even though it was met with strong criticism and contempt, anger and hatred by her then spouse. I found self-help books at the local library that helped guide me and gave me a sense of comfort.
I started seeking help from books and articles about what I was experiencing to try and understand what I was going through. I was looking for some validation too about what I was going through . In fact, he was the biggest part of my feeling like shit, depressed and of feeling like I was ‘going crazy’. The fighting gaslighting, criticizing, control, contempt for me was neverending. His mean, cold looks and the domineering hand that hovered over me kept me terrified. I was unfulfilled, lost, angry, bitter, resentful, fed up, terrified, and didn’t know what to do. It was getting worse and worse.
Finally, the divorce happened. Seemed like the end of the world at the time. Even though it was hell on earth, it was all I'd known. It broke my heart, even though I hated him at the same time. Yet, I knew fighting for something that was long dead and gone anyhow was futile and I had nothing left in me. Besides, why would I want it to continue? I did not.
I had become a ghostly, empty shell of a woman and human being. The Universe took control and cut off all that dead stuff from me and out of my life. It would start me on one hell of another journey. That is what my upcoming book is all about, so I won’t go into it here.
50’s: I am living on my own now. I am a single empty nester. I miss my kids every single day.
I have purposely chosen to stop dating awhile so that I can 'do me' for awhile, do some more inner work-which is easier to do when you have alone and quiet time (even though that's scary as hell at first!), and to just figure some things out, and work on some personal projects I've been wanting to do.
Besides, I've realized I've spent most of my life chasing men around, bending, twisting, and contorting myself in knots just for a partner or date or whatever.
I began realizing patterns that I kept falling for the same type of man over and over again, just with a different hat on, from the time I was age of 16 until the present and I wanted to know why. So, I've taken a deep dive into that and many other questions I have.
I ramped up my research and ramped up listening to my mentors and finding new ones. I now not only have books, but You Tube videos, podcasts, audiobooks, seminars, articles, blogs, etc. to turn to for information.
I wanted to learn how to [successfully and happily] live alone by myself for the first time ever. I wanted to date myself, get to know myself, get to know and heal my inner child, sit with myself to see what comes up, and then to start facing shit head on.
You can't do that if your out chasing every man that passes you trying to win their approval.
I wanted to heal my PTSD that a therapist said I had from my former marriage to a narcissist who was controlling and domineering. I wanted to heal my psyche. I wanted to find out who I was and wanted to understand myself, my patterns, my mindsets, any generational traumas and patterns that have been passed along, and why I do what I do.I also wanted to start exploring spirituality again. For many years I had rejected -even hated- anything religous. Now, I am taking on a more spiritual perception and leaving certain religous dogma behind.
Shadow work, facing your demons, healing your inner child are all basically the same things. I treated myself to the Bahamas on my 50th birthday. I do a little bit of traveling now. I have grown leaps and bounds from where I was 5, 10, and 15 years ago. I now saturate myself with good, nourishing stuff for my ears, my heart, my soul, my spirit, and my psyche. I seek it out and thankfully now it’s everywhere if one is wanting to seek it out.
Future: TBD (To be determined), TBC (To be continued), and look out world here I come!
Ass kicker here is priming herself for her next chapter!
To wrap this up, there have been many times when I’ve hated some of my Sharon’s and where I have talked hatefully about her.
I won't do that anymore. I now actually love, cherish and have deep compassion for every single Sharon I have been each and every year of my life. Each of my Sharon’s, from one year old to fifty-two-years-old, definetly deserve my love, honor, comfort, and respect.
Have compassion for all of your past 'selves'. Love him or her and all of your past selves. They have made you who you are today. We are always doing the best we know how with what we know at the time. Like Maya Angelou says when we know better, we do better. We can change ourselves from a place of love and acceptance rather than from self-hatred. Doesn't that sound much kinder and give you more peace?
I love all of my Sharon’s now and nobody better not mess with her. I’ll cut a fool. (Just kidding.)
But, I will better protect her/me now that I am learning to love and honor myself all the more.
It's a daily, sometimes hourly, practice. But keep going!!
With love,
Sharon